


paranoid | renmin.

by Bbyjihan



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Break Up, M/M, renmin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:47:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22061299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bbyjihan/pseuds/Bbyjihan
Summary: paranoia starts to eat renjun up inside.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin
Kudos: 15





	paranoid | renmin.

november 24th 2O19, 3:5O am.

i would always overthink things, but i never over thought this. i was too blinded by love to notice these signs, the late messages, short responses, and the lack of interest he showed. he was always so busy, but i never thought much of it, i would just miss him. when he couldn’t come home from work i would try to stay up so when he finally came home i can somehow greet him, but it would take hours. i would eventually fall asleep, later to wake up on the bed alone. there would be times he would come early and we would have small talk, but he would immediately go to bed after. paranoia got to me, i kept thinking we were slowly starting to fade away. then his birthday came up, we both were busy from school, but i still somehow sent him these two whole paragraphs in class. he was very happy, he sent i’m the only person for him and a bunch of i love yous. that day and those words made my paranoia leave for that time, i believed in it way too easily. everything seemed fine, but then here came this feeling that something was wrong again. i thought it was just me being crazy and paranoid again, so earlier today i went to xiaojun. i asked if i can rant to him about my relationship with jaemin, he was happy to listen; not until i told and showed him some examples from our messages. he listed things that were certainly there, things that i decided to ignore until now. he got mad at how poorly jaemin acted with me, he told me to dump him, but i couldn’t, i loved him too much to leave him. going home to an empty apartment didn’t help either, i sobbed for hours and hours, getting paranoid at xiaojun's words. still, in the end, he was right. i waited until jaemin returned home, it was one am. i ended it, i ended us. he replied with basic and dry stuff, trying to make me feel better again. it almost worked, but xiaojun's words popped back into my mind, it made me realize that i really didn’t matter to him anymore.

-

1:2O am

i heard the sound of the keys jingling against the doorknob, my heart clenching and the pit of my stomach telling me to back out.

¨ renjun ? baby, what are you doing awake ? ¨ 

my eyes already started to tear up again, after jaemin closed the door silence filled the room for a minute. 

¨ renj- ¨

¨ do i not matter to you anymore ? ¨ my voice cracked as i finally started to cry. jaemin stood still, shock spread across his face from the sudden question.

¨ of course you do- ¨

¨ then why does it seem like i don’t ? ¨ i look up to meet his eyes, making me cry even more at the stare he gives me.

¨ i’m sorry, it’s just when i get upset i don’t say- ¨

my voice slightly rises, ¨ bullshit ! even before you’re upset. ¨

¨ i- okay then. are you going to break up with me ? ¨

¨ maybe..do you want me to ? ¨ 

¨ no.. ¨

¨ i really don’t want to break up with you, i love you so much. ¨

¨ just do it, before you hurt me more ¨ his voice was almost breaking too.

¨ you hurt me too- ¨

¨ how ? ¨

¨ you’re soulless messages, you’re barely with me, and what you said at the beginning of october. ¨

¨ i’m sorry, maybe it is better for us to be over.. ¨

my eyes started to close at his last words, exhaustion taking over my body.

-

-

december 31st 2O19, 4:16 am.

he moved out, it’s now been a month since our break up. i got a boyfriend again, his name is jeno. i started talking to him at the beginning of the week before my breakup with jaemin. jeno makes me happy, but to tell the truth, i started dating him so i can get over jaemin. i know it’s a very mean move, but i got so desperate to try to move on from jaemin and forget him that i accepted jeno’s love without much consideration. i miss him still, i miss him calling me the pet names i loved, the tender kisses he gave, his love. even now i’m still as paranoid. after today it’s going to be 2O2O, can’t believe it, this year has been pretty shitty than the lasts. just hope that 2O2O i can finally let go and forget jaemin, to not overthink and get paranoid anymore. paranoid. hm. well, this will be my last and for most sad letter as of this year, goodbye !

\- huang renjun.

**Author's Note:**

> this one shot was inspired by lauv’s paranoid, it was also based off of my latest breakup. the words said between renmin were said between me and my ex girlfriend. me and her were dating online though, so i tried to the best i can to kind of do it somehow in real life. happy new year you guys, i hope 2O2O is better !


End file.
